Attention: Cheapskates!
I am selling some treasures over on eBay, starting far below their previous Etsy prices! I’d suggest you get up on these sweet deals before the wrath of Hurricane Irene sweeps us all into the Atlantic.
You people in the Midwest might want some new outfits to wear to the seashore which should be arriving at your doorstep in just a few days, right? Kentucky, Ohio, are you ready to be the new coastline? Because as I see it, looking like that, you sure aren’t! GET ON THIS:
This dress is like a first date with the Marshfield High School class of ‘65 champion quarterback. He’s time-traveled across generations to pick you up in a frosty blue convertible and take you out for a single chocolate milkshake, which you will slurp together from two straws, your eyes meeting just as the final suck of the shake culminates with a satisfying loudness. He lets you have the cherry—you’ve earned it.
Long after your dream date has inevitably gone awry, after he said something stupid or forgot your birthday or turned out to be the homicidal half-man/half-wildebeest creation of a bored and lonely mad scientist, your outfit is still going to look great. Unlike the quarterback, this dress has aged with grace and ease, like a fine wine. It’s always around for important anniversaries and consistently knows how to behave at parties, somehow making even the frat party standard kegstand look elegant. Forget the jock; go for the real gold:
Fly like a bat, you little vixen, you.
Save the day with some spooky witchery and telekinesis and shit. Who needs superpowers or a crystal ball when you’ve got a:
You’re going to put on this periwinkle lace dress and go teeter along an oceanside boardwalk in rhinestone-encrusted peeptoe stilettos while dolphins jump thirty feet into the air in glorious arcs over your path. There will be rainbows—a few of them. The sparkle coming from your eyes, your rhinestones, and your shiny white smile will be so bright that the sharks are going to have to go buy sunglasses, thereby sparing all those happy little dolphins from being eaten on this particular afternoon. WIN, WIN.
Tan, muscular, trident-wielding mermen will sing your name from every corner of the sea. You’ll be so busy feeling awesome that you will not even stop to wonder how it is that men who spend so much time in the deep, dark recesses of the ocean simultaneously manage to have such fabulous sun-kissed golden complexions.
This dress will make you feel like a mermaid without all the bothersome tuna nets, salty sailors, and fishy aromas getting in your way.
Smooth sailing, all the way home.
It’s hot, it’s sweaty, and you don’t give a crap about autumn and impending schoolwork right now. I get it. The only math you care about is the kind of odds calculations that can win you giant stuffed elephants at the town fair. Literature can kiss your ass if it’s not the kind best read on the beach.
Just let me tell you that if you arm yourself with this little outfit, come autumn, all that school shit is just going to do ITSELF. For real. This thing acts like a magic genie in economics seminars and dusty libraries. It’s got class, it’s got style, it’s got tweed and it’s freaking awesome.
Make going back to school (or work, or real life, or anywhere that’s out of the sunshine) suck a little less.
Look, if you don’t want to be awesome, then that’s just fine, but I can’t help you.
If, on the other hand, you ARE looking to improve your life, then here you go, and you’re welcome:
Here’s what you’re gonna do:
You’re gonna put on this dress with a big, shit-eating grin to match. Next, you’ll march on down the street to that lemonade stand run by the little kid who has no manners and chocolate smeared all over his teeshirt. You’re going to get right up close to him, all in his face so you can smell the animal crackers on his breath, and you’re going to point your finger right at his nose and you’re going to LAUGH. Because, my friend, this yellow ruffled dress beats some stupid little lemonade stand ANY DAY. You are going to be cute as all get-out, baby.
You’ve WON.
Woah, nelly!
You could fight a bull or clear some room on a dance floor with this thing. Also you could terrify a nun, break a whole lot of hearts, and have the sort of fun that’s usually only relegated to fictional Hollywood depictions of “fun”. Get on this horse and ride it, baby. Never look back. Right on into the sunset, all the way, yeah. Yeah.
This shit is a-freaking-dorable.
What? You want this dress? Well you’re going to have to pry it out of my cold, dead hands, asshole. Or click the photo, give me some money, and I’ll mail it to you. It will arrive at your doorstep sopping wet, soaked through with my tears, but that will dry right out. No worries. Just tell it I love it every night, okay?
